Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please