ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive