Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again