ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
This meeting could have been a cake
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Strangers have the best candy.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I’m being attacked 😭
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?