ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?