Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*