Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.