Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon