Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
That’s not how days work.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
