Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”