Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

peep davidson

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

79.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.