me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.