Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

And then there were 4

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

same but as an audience member

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.