Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I was bored.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face