Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Breaking news:
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy