Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Sharon, call the vet