Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

Ron is short for Aaronald

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

My Guy

If you want my opinion ask my wife

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough