Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.