Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?