Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal