Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Not my job 😂

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs