Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

#dalle2

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No