Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.