Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

If you start a sentence off with…

“At my last job…”

We all wish you still worked there

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.