ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
he’ll never suspect a thing
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning