Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”