Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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The United Steaks of America
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
cause of death:
autopsy.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up