Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
when a toddler tells a story
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”