Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*