Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
no way 😭
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.