Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

It kinda feels like this rn

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.