Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Beware of fowl play.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
