Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
translated into Canadian
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.