Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Genius idea!!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.