Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.