Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
🙂🐾
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor