Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Taliband

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*