Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

thinking about a very short hotdog

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”