me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.