Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.