Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow