Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
So we got a goldfish…
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Hard not to take this personally
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”