Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The game has officially changed 😎
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
