@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

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@lasergirl70

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

@HansGrubertron

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious

@HrBry

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

@bigmacher

#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!

@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

@krustythe_klown

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

@TheCatWhisprer

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

@BuffaloHomo

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.