@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

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@ricksteelman

Maybe I’m covered in chameleons right now. I’ll never know for sure.

@SCbchbum

“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

@eyepluckeramit

Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”

@KateWouldHaveIt

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

@LizHackett

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

@UncleDuke1969

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

@Jamberee13

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you