Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT