Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.![]()
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.