Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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My inexpensive home security system…
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
every man in east london
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.