Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.