Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits