Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”