Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?