me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
You Might Also Like
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
What if all the cashiers are married?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.