Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
orange cat behavior
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.