Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

😂

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips