Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

Is this a threat?

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here