Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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I wish I were this cool 😂
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.