Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Dolls on drugs

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”