Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Who called it baking and not making love

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

new record!

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Mapping America’s Far Right