Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

How do you like your Corgi?

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

They must have gotten it to go.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.