Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
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Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude