Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

I had to Stop for this

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long