Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me