me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
You Might Also Like
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
haha same
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?