Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Weirdos gonna weird.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.