Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
This is yr brain. This is yr brain on drugs. *turns page* This is yr brain on the beach at Cancun! Awwww, yr brain on yr honeymoon. *turns p
The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”
Waiter: black pepper?
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.