me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.