@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

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@RedIsDead

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

@ArfMeasures

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

@MissHavisham

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

@OMGSoOverIt

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

@liv_thatsme

Me: Will I be happy in 2017?

(peers into crystal ball)

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

@UnimpressedWU

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

@JeremyInKC

Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.

@Tadicles

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

@WeissBrandon

YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!

~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.