me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Bless you
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’ve been learning to cook.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.