Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

How it started: How it’s going:

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??