Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great first step 😂

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

sounds kinky. i’m in.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

So true for me

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.