Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Somebody’s lying.