Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

tell em, edith-anne

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”