Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….