Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister