Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.